Load up the rat poison

Dear Uff Da:

I was watching the MTV Music Awards the other night, and I am shocked … shocked! … at how good Billie Joe from Green Day looks. I remember back in the day when those punk-ass freaks were just a bunch of snot nosed punk-ass freaks, like me.

 

Unfortunately, nowadays I just look like an old freak.

 

How do I make myself look as good as my peers without expensive plastic surgery or botox?

—U.G.L.Y.

 

 

Dear Ugly:

Well, I hate to break it to you, but the holy trinity of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll really is the proverbial fountain of youth. Sadly, however, few are truly able to drink from its waters without coming out looking like Scott Weiland after a month-long stint in rehab … or dead.

 

There are, however, a few tricks of the trade you can employ to make yourself look more hip and less like the aging hipster we all know you are.

 

First off, the cardinal rule: BLACK. No longer relegated to your long gone art school days or the local goth night, it's not only slimming, it also means that as you ease into your older years, and more comfortable, practical clothes, you'll still look punk, even if there's elastic in the waistband of your jeans….

 

Second, have you noticed the fact that Monsieur Armstrong wears more eyeliner than your mom? Sure, it's dark, black and brooding, but also covers up the most obvious signs of aging: the baggy, saggy eyes from too many nights spent nursing the cancer sticks and vino and too many mornings commuting to the desk-monkey gig.

 

Third, the hair. Dye it, for chrissakes! Sure, grey looks good on some, but for the most part, it's the kiss of hipster death.

 

Lastly, in order to look as good as Billie Joe and the rest of the rapidly-growing-geriatric gang, you need something few will ever find: the shitload of cash that comes with the multi-billion dollar record deal.

 

Sorry chump, we're all getting old, get used to it.

 

Oh, and you might want to stock up on calcium…