Time Heals All Wounds

Song: Oasis, "All Around the World"

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Dear Uff Da:

I've recently learned I've been used by someone I thought was my best friend. I've been lied to, used, and told him the one who's the problem. I feel really mad, and really hurt, and I'd really like to run them over with my car, but I don't think I'd do too well in prison, what with having to be someone's bitch and all, not to mention I'm pee shy… What do I do?

—Really Sad


Dear Really Sad:

First off, congratulations on realizing that prison ain't all it's cracked up to be. Oh sure, it sounds glamorous—many women imagine themselves a la Bridget Jones, locked up in some Thai prison trading push up bras for smokes, or crocheting capes in a peaceful, Zen-like trance for Martha Stewart.

But in reality you're in cramped quarters with the same type of women who regularly beat you up in high school and snapped your bra because they thought it was funny, and forget the little things like running to the WaWa because you're craving peanut butter filled pretzels, or sitting on the porch smoking and drinking wine with your friends. Your days are no longer your own.

And while it may feel right now like you're in your own emotional prison, left stranded and alone on a leaky raft in the middle of an ocean of pain, it will get better, just not through random acts of violence, however justified breaking the other's kneecaps may be.

In fact, the only thing you can do in a situation like this is to be even more fabulous than you normally are, no matter how little you may feel it right now. Focus on the friends and family you do have, those who are true to you, who have always been there, and aren't just using you for their own games. And do the stupid girl stuff we all do—get your hair done, buy some new nail polish, shoes or really loud, angry CDs you can play in the car while avoiding crossing the other's path.

And trust that while my Granma, in her infinite wisdom, always subscribed to the notion that "time heals all wounds," time also wounds all heels, and your alleged friend will no doubt find that the life they've created by being untrue to you, and themselves, will in time be more of a prison than the four walls you're currently trying to avoid.